New segment alert: UCB Round Up Trivia!
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… I lost my best robot and my best wife that day. Both marriage and robot laws broken in one swift moment. I will never be able to look back at their faces and operating system without remembering that horrible mess, which, if you ask me, was totally unsafe and not nearly in accordance to the safety instruction manual. Why did I travel all the way to the moon then? Knowing what was waiting for me? Well, what else could I have done, keep living a lie? NEVER.
So, after all the failures, all the lawsuits, all the fashion mishaps, all the switchblades at all the throats, all the brothers still lost in the center of the earth, all the ill timed counter clock jumps in the Macarena, one can not help to wonder: was it all worth it? As I accurately predicted 72 years ago when I wrote this autobiography: that’s a very hard question to answer, even for the only officially recognized human possessed by the ghost of Albert Einstein.
All the orphans I saved will tell you that “yes, it was worth it”, but they would have been happy to be adopted by any handsome millionaire.
All the handsome millionaires that didn’t have to adopt orphans will also tell you that “yes, it was worth it”, but they would have been happy to not have to pretend they like orphans.
Yes, I successfully prevented the Spambot Uprising but only at the cost of another of my wives, the one that turned out to be a Spambot. And yes, I contributed with more than twenty new ice cream flavors but people keep asking for the same food-based ones.
I tried to lead by example yet I lost so many games of Charades. I tried to be politically incorrect yet farts have lost all their social weight. And after all, does it really matter how many times you changed the club scene with your fresh beats?
Maybe it’s not up to me to answer all this questions. Maybe is up to you. Because now you, the reader, know everything I have ever known: my views on politics, economy and interspecies intercourse. My panty dropping constitutional amendments, my favorite Paris Treaty’s, my secrets for successful seat arrangements when you want to be in the same Pictionary team as the lady you like at the party.
Was it all worth it? Maybe you can tell if so.
I’m sorry to load your spirit with such a burden or end this wonderful journey on such a somber tone, but I can give you many answers: “Oslo”, “Cucumber”, “San Diego”, but not this one. And let me make it clear, just like when I tried to make underwear cool again, I do consider this, one of my many, many failures.
At least I can say I inspired so many works of art.
In some areas of the world, if you put “Bulge” in spanish (Bulto), I’m the first thing that appears in google images. Happy birthday to me.
This is why I love the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, NYC. @tonyatamanuik is the fucking best. Tootsie Sleep No More is the best. Wake up people. Go to the Tony Show every Tuesday.
This was the best.
How do you feel about Messenger Bag after tonight’s episode?
I think the lesson we learned today is that it’s easy to be a hero when you don’t have anything to lose.